Sometimes i sit and wonder if my life would be easier if i didnt have emotions, if what i did and how i acted wasnt a result of a feeling, but purely on logic or rational thought alone!
I wonder how different my life would be, i wonder what on earth i would be doing with myself,
Emotions are things taht lead us to certain situations, they push us to follow aftrer something, but also sometimes they stop us form doing things aswell, Like how many of us have given up something we'd normally jump at on account of a bad mood, or a feeling of sadness.
I say this right now, becuase i am a person who hates my emotions sometimes! mainly because tehy change out of the blue, and sometime si find myself ina bit of a low without great justifications.. and it frustrates me! it frustates me the way it changes my willingness to do stuff, the way it affects teh things important!
The thing taht scares me teh most is teh way my emotions and feeling effect my relationship with God, I find myself sometimes getting really anxious and worked up, or really burdened by the fact that i cant feel him like i often do, like im not being pushed as obviously in the direction he wants me to take, or liek at the moemnt, im just not sure what that direction is, and that, in itself begins to eat at me. I know God has a plan for me, and a plan for these next few gap years, but sometimes i wish he would fill me in on it! and while i sit in his presence begging him to help me and to show me what happens next, i begin to feel low at teh fact im not sure what it is, i know there is a reaosn i dont knwo yet, but i just feel so lost.
What im scared of is taht this lostness will effect my passion and excitment, this emotion will inpact upon my effectiveness for God,
This is why i wonder what life wouldbe like without emotions, if My knowledge of God,, and my knowledge of my desaire to follow him could be enough to keep me goin, to keep me fighting thru all the battle.
But i guess in teh end... i know this one thing, I LOVE my Lord, with all my heart, and love... is teh greates emotion of all... It is not something my human mind can fathos, it is of teh heart... it is of teh spirit, it is teh greatest feelings. and when i consider it, that emotion is worth suffering the bad ones for. And i know taht in teh end... my Love will prevail, it will eventually pull me form teh pain and hurt. My love for my god, my church and others is what keeps me going,
I still feel lost, i still feel broken, and i still kinda hate my emotions right now.. but for right now, i will battle it out. i will hold firm in the fact my steps have been planned and EVENTUALLY! ill find out teh plan too!
But this i remember from Insane in melbourne: it was said taht we may not always feel the presence of God, but in those times, we know Good and must do Good.
Pray this passes and bubbly crazy bring it on Liesl returns soon!
grace abundant to you all!
Leis
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